Stephen You're too young, young scampi grace, aren't you, to remember the change machines in shops…. Stephen [ to Barry ] You remember those? Stephen What was the one… in Gammidge's, was it? Barry That's right, You gave them money — real money, no credit cards — and a very nice girl — black, with B. Barry … it was sucked to some other part of the store. Stephen That's it, it was a vacuum, it was a real So you'd put the fiver in there, put the docket in which said that you've bought something worth three pounds seven and six, and there's the five pounds… and it would go [ pops his cheek ] pop like that, or that 'schloop' noise as you say… and then you'd sort of wait there and chat….
Barry They were subject to abuse, those machines. Stephen Perhaps it wasn't B. Alan There just aren't enough tubes, are there? Stephen There aren't enough tubes in the world, yeah, just… things that work mechanically are kind of larky and fun. Rich Yeah and they'd suck, that big sucking sound they made. I would like to know the force in an airline toilet… I don't know what creates that.
Stephen If you mis-timed it, your intestines would shoot out…. Alan Don't put your head down. If you're sitting on it and you've sealed around the rim….
Alan … you can lose your innards. I've heard of that happening. Rich There's a guy where I live in Montana … 'cause we have prairie dogs, and prairie dogs are like that big… cute, like a cross between a meercat and a squirrel, yeah… but they're rodents and they dig tunnels.
And if you don't wanna shoot them with a. It's on the back of a truck. A big howitzer cannon nozzle, and he knows exactly how many are in the tunnel. He'll go, "There's four in that tunnel" And he turns this thing on and it goes — 'ptu ptu ptu ptu'…. Rich The most amazing sound in the world. And then they come through and they have this like eighties blow-dried look, right?
They've just been sucked through at like eighty miles per hour. Like miniature werewolves. I said to him…. Stephen So they don't get shredded, it's not like Steve Buschemi in Fargo …. Rich No, but they are looking at you like you owe them an explanation. I said to the guy "Does this give them brain damage? But it doesn't kill them, that's the humane alternative. Stephen To return to the original question, if you drive a tunnel straight through the Earth, a gravity train would take you where you want to be in exactly 42 minutes and 12 seconds.
Aristotle, as I'm sure you all know, thought that heavier objects fell faster than lighter objects. And it seems an intuitive and correct idea but Galileo worked out that they didn't and how did he do that? Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Stephen I'm sorry about that. The reality is that he worked out that this was the case in his head.
He then did some experiments with ramps and things that proved it to be true. Alan What's heavier? A ton of gold or a ton of feathers? That kind of thing, if you like. But what he's saying, half a ton…. Stephen …he's saying half a ton of coal, what Galileo said….
Bill It sounds like an Elton John party request. Stephen Because the answer is, one of them is heavier, isn't it, because gold is measured in troy weight rather than avoir du poids and they're different. So a ton of gold is different to a ton of feathers. I believe, sorry. What Galileo said is that half a ton of coal falls at the same speed as a ton of coal, that's the point. Falls at the same speed. You know, if you let them go at the same time, they'll hit the ground at the same time.
Bill How do you get a ton of coal up in the air? Stephen Well, indeed. Galileo's reasoning was thusly wise: He said that if you had a heavy object, and if you believed Aristotle, it falls faster and the lighter one slower. So suppose you attach the light one to the heavy one? Well, the heavy one falls faster than the light one, so it would make the light one fall faster. Or the light one would hold the heavy one up because it's going slower. So by attaching them together, you would make it go both faster and slower and that's obviously impossible.
The only explanation is that they both travel at the same speed, and he then proved it. And on Apollo 15, Scott, the astronaut, thought he'd try and see if Galileo was right and we have a clip of him doing it, it's rather wonderful.
Viewscreens: Colour video clip of Scott dropping a hammer and a feather on the surface of the moon. Audio: [Scott] "And I'll drop the two of them here and hopefully they'll hit the ground at the same time" [He drops them] "How about that?
Stephen Isn't that cool? Astronaut David Scott proving Galileo right with a hammer and a feather. But Galileo established it by the power of his own thought. Similarly Newton worked out the laws of gravitation and published them in which was just one hundred years before les freres Montgolfier , the brothers Montgolfier astounded the world with the first balloon ascent.
And it was only one year after that that the dashing Old Etonian George Biggin and Letitia Sage were in a hydrogen balloon when they took off from Southwark and I want to know basically how far did George Biggin go?
Stephen Hey! Well, oddly enough, that may be the right answer because it was one of the most extraordinary things. You can imagine a balloon ascent was an astonishing sight and , people turned out to see the first one.
And this Italian who brought ballooning to England, he was called Lunardi, put these people in and he thought "That's probably too many" so he jumped out just as it was taking off and left this couple on their own, these complete first-time balloonists….
Stephen Well it became one of the sensations of the age because they…. Stephen They were the first members of the mile-high club as it were, yeah. Well what happened was, they were seen going over Piccadilly, she was seen on all fours…. Stephen She claimed later that she was fastening up the opening of the balloon and…. Alan Yeah yeah. No officer. Opening of the balloon, officer. Stephen The technical answer is that they got as far as fourteen miles, they got as far as Harrow, shouting down using a speaking trumpet to people below… who must've been rather astonished… those slack-jawed yokels from the village of Finchley and such things….
Stephen There was a great scandal about it and it became the issue of the age, was whether or not you could do it. And one of the most remarkable social records of that age is the wager books, the betting books of the great London clubs, particularly Brooks' and White's which were in St. And people used to bet on anything. The books still exist, in their handwriting, and there is one here: "Lord Chumley has given two guineas to Lord Derby to receive five hundred guineas whenever his Lordship 'plays hospitals' with a woman in a balloon one thousand yards from the Earth.
For 'plays hospitals with', I think you can insert your own — er — word. You see what I mean. Erm, good. Alan So did he pay up, then? Is that in the book? Alan "One thousand yards" … "No, you were only Stephen Yes, that's true, they had no way of measuring. What did they use for an altimeter, do you think? Alan They dropped things and saw how long it took to hit the floor? Stephen No, they used a barometer. Barometers existed in those days. Different pressure, it's quite accurate.
Bill Barometer's quite a hefty piece of kit, aren't they? They hang it up and tap it, with the stem of your pipe. Well as with flight, of course, as soon as new technology emerges — as we saw with aeroplanes later — there are various targets that you want… to be the first person to do this, the first person to do that, we've seen the first person to 'play hospitals' on board a balloon, but one of the great things is to cross the…?
Stephen Channel, exactly. Cross the Channel, either with aeroplanes or …. Stephen … Bleriot… of course, not the M25… but the Channel… The Channel was an extraordinary… there was a Frenchman called Blanchard and his American backer, but they hated each other and they loved their own country so, first the Frenchman — can you imagine a Frenchman not playing fair?
Hard to imagine but anyway, try and picture it — had carried lead weights on a sort of belt, this Blanchard, so that he could claim to the American [ French accent ] "Ah, there's only room for one of us, unfortunately, so I have to do this record alone.
And then the balloon started to drop over the Channel too early and so they threw out their food, they threw out their instruments then they started to throw out obviously the sand bags, then they took their jacket off then they took their trousers off, then they peed and pooed out of the basket because they were approaching the cliffs and they're dropping and dropping… and they poo and they just go over it like that… landed in the trees and the record was made.
Bill That's not a very dignified way to break the record, though, with your trousers around your ankles. Bill Hanging out… "We've nearly done it! Stephen "One last push". George's Fields to Harrow. We won't have any truck with gossip here on QI, of course, so what do you say to a gossypiboma? Stephen You're getting a nice score building up, Barry. Alan Bo- bo- boma? What's a boma?
Is it a creature? Barry I know what it is. It's something a surgeon leaves behind inside you after an operation. Stephen Oh, Barry, that is brilliant. That is the right answer. That's exactly what it is. It's cotton or lint or a piece of sponge…. Stephen Or, indeed, a mobile phone. It comes from the Latin for cotton, a gossypium , so it'll be like a piece of cotton wool, is the most basic one. In America, cases a year of things being left inside…. Rich That's 'cause a lot of them, er, eat fridge magnets.
Because they look like cookies or chocolate. Then you try and open them and the tools just… slide off the tray and… they stick to the sides of mobile homes all kinds of things. Alan Yeah. Then they get more work, they got to get it out again. Stephen They probably get sued though, don't they? I would imagine. There was one chap who had a six-inch metal surgical clamp taken out, and he'd already had an operation to take out one surgical six-inch clamp and he'd had two left in him, and when they took the one out they never thought to look for another one in there.
Extraordinary behaviour. Stephen The main risk factors… why is it likely to happen? Because they do, there is a protocol whereby you count all the equipment, so why would it happen?
Rich Well some of them would, you know, they do good work and they think, "Well, I want someone to recognise my work so I'll leave my forceps in there. Stephen Well the reason they give is emergency operations which have not been planned properly and unplanned changes in the operation and patients with a 'higher body mass index'.
Fat people…. Stephen They put it down on the side and [ makes a sucking sound ] it's sucked in. I don't know, is that the…. Barry This is where we need Hugh Laurie on the show, isn't it? Stephen He would explain, exactly. He would explain. If the script is put in front of him, he's a gibbering idiot without it. No… he isn't… There are, in fact, specific words, the most commonly used is gossypiboma which originally comes from the fact that it's cotton — 'cause the Latin gossypium is 'cotton' — but if it's a surgical instrument it's actually called a foreign body granuloma.
The cheek of the surgeons is that they call it 'retaining', as if somehow it's the patient's fault. Viewscreens: Picture of a surgeon's hands wearing rubber gloves. Alan … and wouldn't give it back. No choice but to leave it there. Bill Slightly disturbed by this picture, it's really disturbing me.
Backstage at a public theatre… "Glove puppets, quickly! Stephen We like the thought of it. Well, yes, a gossypiboma is a piece of cotton left inside you by a surgeon. Anyway, what's the use of an underwater weighing machine? Bill [ presses buzzer, which says "Twelve stone, two pounds, four ounces.
Stephen 'Speak your weight'. Why would you have an underwater weighing machine? Stephen This is fabulous, you're thinking along…. Barry I hope I get the worst marks because losing is the new winning. Stephen Yeah, I have to say, you're bidding fair. Rich Don't they weigh your mass body fat by floating ya? What is a Body Mass Index, do you remember exactly what it….
Alan Is it your height divided by your weight, or height squared…. Stephen Weight divided by your height squared, yes. More or less, yes. But it's very faulty. If you're very muscular, the BMI would argue that you were overweight and obese and far too fat when in fact you're immensely fit. Or if you're a marathon runner and you have that slow-twitch muscle as they call it, I think, then you would be 'starving' and be considered, you know, 'malnutrited' or whatever the word is.
So when they want to make really, really accurate measurements of Body Mass Index, they go underwater and it's considered the 'gold standard' for body fat measurement. And what would you say body fat should be under not to be obese?
Stephen No, you're fine. No, that's just… you've got a baggy thing… With women? Should women be more body fat or less body fat? Alan Saw one in Budgens the other day who was definitely three hundred percent. And all she had in her hand basket was a massive, massive chocolate, that's all she had… a really serious expression on her face.
Stephen Now when I'm in Norfolk there's nothing I like better than having a good old bicycle around the Broads. You and I do it together don't we… there we are… Look…. Viewscreens: Image of Stephen and Alan on bicycles. Stephen Home in time for lemonade and buns. And, erm, "Isn't it funny Alan," I said, "Isn't it funny the faster I get the more likely I am to stay stable but I go very very slowly, I wobble and fall off. I wonder why that is? Why, when you slow down, do you become less stable on a bicycle?
What is at work, what is…. Rich I have a better question. Why do you have a Hitler haircut? Is Alan wearing a hairnet? If you put a little moustache under that nose, that would be frightening.
Bill Ah, yeah. I dressed as Hitler once, I did a school play, I played Arturo Ui in The Resistible Rise of … and I was Ui, and, er, I actually dyed my hair black and cut it in the Hitler style for the authenticity of the role — not because I'm a Nazi or anything — and my mum said "Oh now that does look nice. My mum was incredulous, she couldn't see anything wrong… "Well you look very smart. Wish you would keep it like that.
Barry Why do we wobble? I wobble because I'm scared to death when I'm on a bike. I wobble even when I'm going very fast. Bill What kind of bike is it? Is it a Penny Farthing? Barry No, whatever I can find in the street that hasn't got a lock on it. Stephen Oh, that happened in Cambridge, that was so sad. This nice, noble idea that city bikes would have this special number on, and you just saw one leaning on a lamppost, you got on it and you bicycle to where you want to be and left it outside… and they were common exchange bicycles.
It's a perfect socialist dream, a utopian ideal, free bicycles… two days, I think it lasted, before…. The odd thing about it is that bicycles are a pretty ancient invention by modern transport standards, but it was only in that the physics of them was understood. Bill Is it that there's more force working on you if you're going slowly… so you're, sort of, being pulled from other sides….
Stephen Well people thought it was gyroscopic pull or a centrifugal one. But it was a fellow called David Jones in , that in fact it's not that, it's torque that lowers the centre of gravity. And the other thing is called the castor effect, like a supermarket trolley, the fact that the trailing wheel kind of self-centres, it rights the whole thing as it trails along. Barry I always get the trolley with the stiff wheel. Barry At airports, supermarkets, I always get that trolley.
I veer into old ladies with it, go crashing into displays…. Rich I do that and blame it on the wheel. Stephen So, here's a thing. When you want to go left, you turn the handlebars of your bike slightly to the right. Motorcyclists know this as a rule. Stephen Yeah, counter-steering, exactly. It's very very quick, it's done automatically, people don't know they're doing it.
Which is why kerbs are so difficult, if you're close to a kerb, in order to steer away from the kerb, you have to steer into it first. You do a [ motions ] that and then that. Otherwise you fall over.
Weird, it's an automatic thing people do. Really strange. There's a way of testing it; coasting along, take your left hand off the… right, okay… and you push the handlebars with your right. Now with this, you can only force the handlebars left, obviously. But you go right. So the reason why bicycles are stabler when you go fast is nothing to do with gyroscopes, it's all to do with torque and castoring.
When you're cycling, the more revolutions, the better. So, imagine it is the revolution , the red dawn has come upon us gentlemen, we've overthrown the hated oppressors and we're all happy and we've got guns so we shoot straight up in the air as people do, "Wheee!
Yee Haai! Yee Haaa! Alan I don't know. I've often thought, "Where do those bullets go? Barry … and hit you right on top of the head. Stephen Yes! Unfortunately it does because what goes up, as you know, must come down. And of course it won't happen to the guy who shoots because, when it gets to the top, the smallest amount of wind will, you know….
Stephen Well, not a mile probably, but they did an experiment on a floating platform, where they fired straight up in the air and only four landed on the platform, the bullets…. Stephen No, I think they cover themselves, tin hats. On the other hand, Cruithne's orbit is unstable and it does pass close in astronomical terms to the Earth. So perhaps in about years it may go into a true orbit around the earth. It would be a moon then. But it isn't now. Alan admits it took about four episodes for him to realize he was being targeted as the fall guy.
Then he began just to sit in cross armed silence whenever Stephen asked a question. John Lloyd, the creator of Qi , took Alan aside and told him that it took intelligence to get the answers spontaneously wrong. So Alan went back to giving his intuitive guesses. But you can still see in the later episodes he was more careful. Alan is also quick to point out that, no, Stephen does not really know all that stuff.
For one thing he has a script which is rehearsed using stand-ins for the actual panelists. Animals look at the finger.
If you point at something, the dog won't go — [ gazes interestedly into distance ] — "Ooh, what's he looking at? What happens is you back away slowly, offering clothes, and it. Stephen — leaving you, you know. It wants to sniff your scanties, essentially, and it will do so. And then, you, er. Stephen That's. Unfortunately, it is true. In precisely the place where you're most likely to meet a polar bear, it is the least warm.
Alan I know something quite interesting — Stephen Yes? Alan — about polar bears: They don't have white fur. Rich Well, you better look behind you, pal!
Jeremy [ points to the polar bear on the viewscreen ] Stephen What's that? Alan [ unfazed ] I was ready for you. Stephen Yeah. Come on. Alan They have clear little follicles. But because they reflect the snow, they come across as white. Bill But he's on a rock, there, and he's white! What's that mean there?
Just near him is something really white. Might be a white van with all the food in, for them. Rich That is not a polar bear behind you. Stephen Is it not? Rich That's a weasel. Stephen Ahh. They are beautiful animals, aren't they?
You must admit they are very, very beautiful animals. Alan Well, I'd certainly tell one he was beautiful if he came near me. Stephen The point. You just need to outrun your friend. Very good. Cynical, but excellent. Now, ah, moving on to our third question in this "animal aggression" category: Which of these would you choose to defend yourself against an alligator with? A Paperclip. B Crocodile clip. C Paper bag. D Handbag. E Rubber band. Rich I.
I'm an expert on alligators, because I grew up in the swamps of New Orleans. Stephen Oh, tell, then. Rich When it says to defend yourself against an alligator, that's the trick part of the question. This means if the alligator is litigious. And trying to sue you. Let's say, because you're wearing his mom on your feet.
There's a lot of paperwork involved in defending yourself in court against an alligator. Jeremy Is that where the word — Rich You need a paperclip, then. Jeremy Is that where the word "allegation" comes from? Stephen Very good. Rich However! Alligators will taunt you before they attack you. And will oft —. Like a boxer, they will often hold a press conference, and they will say, uh, "You can't fight your way out of a paper bag, buddy!
Stephen Ingenious. And so wrong. Any thoughts on the right answer? Bill Inflate, er. Inflate the paper bag — [ claps ]. Stephen Possible. It's possible. Alan If you get — Bill Starts to back away, like that, and then you get the handbag, and ram it over his snout, like that, and then put the clips on his nipples, and really — [ mimes twisting motion ]. Stephen You're really.
You almost flirted with the answer there, Bill, erm, when you. Bill What. Stephen That's a very good point, I have to say; we do have to pull you up on your nipples, there. Rich I've got nipples , Bill — Stephen Yeah. Alligators are not. Bill Haven't you ever milked an alligator?
Stephen No, no one has. And if you think you have, I'm afraid you really do have problems. Bill Oh. Alan If you had a really, really big crocodile clip, you could clamp its jaws shut. Stephen Well, ah. Now, you see, this is the interesting thing.
I will tell you the answer, because, erm, alligators and crocodiles, despite their fearsomeness, will be rendered pretty much hopeless if you. So all you would have to do is pop the elastic band before it managed to open its mouth — Bill Yes. Stephen — and it would not be able to — Jeremy Why is it that all aquatic vicious beasts can be subdued by something really simple? Like sharks, as well.
You just punch them stoutly on the nose, don't you? Stephen I suppose it's because, in their natural habitats, things like the ability to punch stoutly on the nose don't exist. There is no — Jeremy Ahh. Stephen — there is no "stout-punching fish" that roams the oceans, erm, and there is no "rubber band bird" in the Everglades. I think we have to move on from there, ladies and gentlemen.
Erm, don't forget that we human beings are also animals, and among the beastlier and most aggressive of all, as evidenced by this cutting from the Daily Telegraph.
They found that the poor animal had only one ear, and was missing a back leg. It was also made of wood, in an advertisement for a local riding school. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. Let's see what you feel about that after this round with questions on "astronomy".
How many moons does the earth have? Alan [ presses his buzzer, which clucks like a chicken ] [ looks around as Bill did, startled ] Stephen Yeah? Alan The earth has one moon, which is made of cheese! Stephen Oh! Alan and Bill [ throw their arms up in disbelief ] Stephen [ holds up card which reads "ONE" ] I'm afraid you lose ten.
Alan But it does have one moon. Alan It's called [ quoting with fingers ] "the moon"! Stephen One of them. That's it. Alan I rest my case right there. Stephen I can understand, Alan, that you would feel hard done by, but the answer is that there are two moons. One is the one we know, called "the moon"; the other is called Cruithne. It's three miles across, and orbits the world every years.
Rich Aw, you're just makin' this up! Rich Cruithne. Stephen Cruithne, yeah. Rich Who comes up with this shit? So you're telling me there's a second moon? Stephen There. Jeremy "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone. Rich So why is there, uh. Why not "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky," or "Cruithne River," or — Alan No one can see it — Stephen [ interrupts, imperiously ] Be cause it was dis cov ered in nineteen-ninety-fucking-four!
Rich Oh, come on! Jeremy There are — Rich That is nine years. Stephen In the last nine years, no romantic songs, so far as I know, have been written at all. Have they? Jeremy Ahm — Alan Brian Adams wrote one. Stephen Oh, please! Bill "Everything I do I do for Cruithne"? Stephen Well. On Cruithne! Alan Yay, I'm rapping! Stephen No, Alan, no, no, not doing — [ mimes hand motions ] — that, no, please.
Alan [ performs exaggerated arm motions ] Stephen Okay. Alan [ still rapping ] Cruithne! Stephen So embarrassing. All right. And its orbit was discovered in There you are.
People have been busy on our behalf, on the internet and elsewhere, calling up important Astronomers Royal. Our next question. Jeremy [ presses buzzer, which drums ] Stephen Jeremy. Jeremy Ikea! I'll give you five for that. Alan Ikea doesn't have any windows. They don't sell windows, even. They deliberately have no windows in Ikea so you can't see out, so you have no sense of time passing, so you don't know what time you went in, what time you.
You could be in there for weeks! Stephen Is that literally true? Alan Yeah. Alan And actually, if you don't have access. Stephen I was told — is this correct? I mean, not like "chair" — Bill Yeah.
Stephen — but they're called "Neville", or — Alan You'd like it, because they're all strange, foreign names like "Lublik".
And "Nunbarr". And you look at it and say — Stephen What is there about me that makes you think that I would like — [ breaks off with a sound of disbelief ]?
Bill You're. Alan You like words! Stephen Oh, true. Alan You like funny, odd words! Stephen Yes. Rich Like "Cruithne"! Jeremy Outside. Alan Outside this building.
Rich [ presses buzzer, which gongs ] The universe is saddle-shaped. It's on a horse. Jeremy A nose bag, something. Rich Yeah. Jeremy Right. Bill Well, no, there's some truth in that. Alan The universe is saddle-shaped, isn't it?
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